Apple’s notorious penchant for secrecy has finally and dramatically been lifted with the revelation that Chief Executive Steve Jobs did not, in fact, have a liver transplant as originally reported by the company, but actually has been dead for more than a decade.

According to company insiders, the “Steve Jobs” we have seen presenting new iPod and iPhone models in recent years was actually the company’s “ultimate” iPhone—designed to look, act and even smirk like the original Steve Jobs—only with a somewhat longer battery life.

Unlike more primative iPhones, the iJobs model has parts that apparently can be easily replaced rather than having to toss the entire product for a new model. This accounts for the two separate organ transplants reported in recent months.

The iJobs model we have seen has a number of remarkable features that are lightening years ahead of any other so-called smart phone.

For one thing, it doesn’t look like a smart-phone at all. Not nearly as sleek in design, and sporting a pair of glasses (nice artistic touch there!) the iJobs comes complete with an amazing application that apparently no one else is able yet to download from Apple’s App store: iRich!

The iRich app allows the user–in this case, the only existing iJobs model known–to accumulate enormous wealth while promoting products that are designed to be obsolete within months of their introduction.

This is almost certainly the most brilliant aspect of the iJobs model we have seen.

What happened to the original Steve Jobs is unclear. Rumor has it that his ashes were secretly implanted in Dell notebooks as an act of pure spite. But this could not be confirmed.

Although the company refuses to comment, there is wide speculation that Apple will finally introduce a new iJobs model sometime next year–smaller, sleeker, and wearing contacts instead of eyeglasses.

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