Just about every man has had this awful experience: An invite comes in the mail. Perhaps to an office gala, or a benefit, or even a wedding. You quickly scan the invitation and then your eyes zero in on one of the most feared, dreaded lines men can imagine:

Black tie suggested.

You can feel your stomach churn like the mid-Atlantic during a nor’easter. You probably do not have a tux in your closet and, if you do, unless it is a classic black on black one, the one you do have has more than likely gone out of style. You could,of course, rent a tux…in fact, unless you are a real party animal in need of a tux once a week, most men do exactly that.

But, admit it. Even renting a tux can be a royal pain.

Relax,though,and take a closer look at that invite. What did it actually say? It said black tie is suggested. The word “suggested” my male friends, is your official get out of jail pass.

First, who the hell is suggesting it in the first place? And more to the point, “suggested” means just that–suggested.

Here’s my suggestion: Forget the black tie bit. Chances are, if you do wear a tux to the event, you will stick out like a sore thumb. What you’ll find is that most men, given the slightest wiggle room not to wear a tux…will not wear a tux. They may wear a black suit, or a black or dark navy wool blazer with dark grey slacks. But, no tux. They understood one of the worst kept secrets of invites to most major events—black tie suggested is more about what is expected of you in terms of behavior than what you will actually wear. It’s sort of like saying: Hey, this event is NOT a night out with your frat buds chugging down vats of beer. This event is for grown-ups, so act accordingly. That’s really what black tie suggested means.

Suppose, however, the invite says something else? Suppose it says “Black Tie Required?”

If it says that, decline the invite and tell the people inviting you that you’d love to attend their black tie dinner if it weren’t for the brain surgery you happen to be having on that day.